“I guess God doesn’t want me any more.”

It has been almost 4 1/2 years that Roxann and I have been ‘out of ministry’. I have heard some incredibly dumb things from well-meaning people who were just trying to help. For example: “You don’t want to be out of ministry for too long, people might think you had an affair.” or “If you don’t get back into ministry soon no one will want you.” WOW! How do you respond to that? It is as if people believe that God’s call means no suffering in life, no need for time away. I held to that belief as well. That idea created a HUGE conflict inside of me: “I thought God called me to ministry. Now I can’t find a place to do that. I must have really screwed up. I guess God doesn’t want me any more.”

The fact of the matter is… God forced us to sit out. His intention was that we heal, grow, learn, change, become.

About a year ago, one of our friends asked me  how I worked through some of that. As I re-read my response I realized just how much God has done in the past 4 1/2 years and how intentional his purpose has been. I have posted that conversation below if you are interested.

Friend – “Question- you know how you said you questioned yourself a whole lot after leaving here? How did you work through it? I’m going through that right now- more than I’d like to admit. I know I did the best I could with practically no support from “higher up” and still…”

 

My response – “Okay, I have been out of touch (intentionally) with the goings-on there since we left so I am not sure what exactly what happened with you after we left.

Regarding my working through my questioning… I think it was a lot of things.

I wish I could say I prayed about it a lot… I didn’t. I was mad at God for a long time. Kind of thought it was His fault I had failed. Thought that He had allowed me to waste 18 years of my life. Didn’t see a future. I really thought I would have to start my life over… new career… new town… new friends… new life. I wasn’t ready for that.

As to working through it…

1) I would attribute a lot of it to the church I am attending. It is a Baptist church but they embraced Roxann and I with no reservation. It was here that God started working through the bitterness I had that resulted in my anger at what “God allowed”. They also express great confidence in my ability to teach and lead. I love them for that.

2) Another thing that was huge… school. I discovered that I am a better leader than I was led to believe. My leadership style and philosophy is actually on the cutting edge of leadership. I also discovered the challenge of learning broadened me as an individual. I am glad I choose a leadership degree. It got me away from feeling one-sided in my educational (and life) pursuits. It made me a better man, husband, pastor and leader.

3) I finally gave in to Roxann and made some friends. These friends have turned out to be the most incredible people I know. The power of relationship and its ability to heal is incredible.

4) Work. Seems odd. But I have found that I am deeply respected by those I work with. The Vice President of Reserve Power, North America wants me to stay with the company for the long haul. The fact that they see leadership in me and are willing to invest in that leadership also helped me move back toward confidence.

Probably one of the biggest things I experienced during that time was a lack of confidence. My surroundings there didn’t encourage or empower me to excel using the gifts God wired inside of me. I translated that to something I must be doing wrong, which moved to a lack of confidence, which inhibited just about everything I did.

Since that time I have found a tremendous amount of confidence, mostly through the relationships I have formed.

I hope this helps. Write back if you have more questions.”

I love the discovery that I am not an idiot.

I recently completed my master’s degree in Organizational Leadership. One of the requirements for my last class is to re-read my leadership philosophy paper from my first class and write about how I have changed.

Reflection always seems to be the most difficult part of these courses. It means I have to sit down, usually without interruption, and actually think about who I am and what is important to me. That’s tough to do. Not so much because my kids are asking questions or arguing or wanting to eat, but because I have to be honest with myself… and that takes effort.

When I read my leadership philosophy from two years ago, I want to say that nothing has really changed.
Do I really believe that leaders need to invest in personal growth, character, understanding and community? Yes. No change there.
Do I really believe that leaders need to involve themselves with people and learning? Yes. No change there.
Do I really believe that leaders need to inspire others? Yes. No change there.

So what is different? I am different. Over the past few months, I have come to realize that my original leadership philosophy paper was more a paper about what I hoped could be. I hoped these principles could actually be something of importance within a leader’s life, although I had yet to experience them in any real capacity. For my entire adult life, I hadn’t met or worked for any leader who embodied the servant leader attitude and character that I so admired. But I had felt those attitudes and characteristics at work in my life. What I had seen and experienced from the leaders I had been involved with conflicted with what was at work in me. This created a kind of malaise. I came to believe that I could never really lead because I didn’t possess the necessary qualities of leadership. This degree program has helped me understand that my philosophy of hope was actually a strong philosophy of leadership.

I am still on the path of growing into a strong leader. I will always be growing. I am glad this growth has brought me to understand that the way I am wired to lead is not a weakness but a strength. It is the leadership of the future.

My philosophy will change over time as I better understand what is important to me. So will yours. In the meantime, however… I love the discovery that I am not an idiot.

Fatalism or finite life?

I had to read “The Rule of Benedict” for a class I took. It is actually the rule book for Benedictine monks. It governs and structures their lives. I found some things in this book that I could readily adapt to leadership and things that I am passionate about: being trustworthy in speech, living as an example, seeking the good of others. But there are some weird things in it that make me go hmmm.

For example: on page 13 of The Rule of Benedict we find this passage, “Day by day remind yourself that you are going to die.”

When I first read this I found it oddly fatalistic. Here is this incredibly humble and spiritually oriented guy telling himself every day “I’m going to die. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.” Wouldn’t this make for a really depressing life? Wouldn’t this sap the joy right out of living? Weird, huh?

There is a principle of life called ‘pentimento’ which basically means: seeing and seeing again – looking at something again in order to see it differently. So I tried applying this to my reading of this text. As I took a second look at what this could mean in light of life and leadership, I began to see that it is talking about living a disciplined life, aware that each moment matters. We are each given a finite number of days in which to live.

We can choose to live those days idly and without care or we can choose to live those days filled with purpose. As we become aware that each moment, each situation, is an opportunity to make an impact on tomorrow we begin to look at those moments as important and meaningful. Idle thoughts, careless words, wasted moments can never be reclaimed. Realizing our finite number of moments should drive us to make the most of each one. They all matter.